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To my Popskie first and foremost. And to all of my lost loves.

March 31, 2017

Last night I dreamt of you for the first time since you've been gone. I was on the island we've been to so many times, where we spent so many happy times as a family. I was climbing around a really precarious cliff edge and in my peripheral vision, below me, you sat, blue 80's cocktail in hand, nothing but shorts on, sandy feet-as ever, this image stamped into my heart. You didn't take your eyes off me. You smiled so so broadly and you winked. You said nothing but the wink said everything we had understood between each other. 'Keep following that road ahead, kid. My little bullet proof kid. You're a chip off the old block.' You once told me that of all your girls, I was the one most like you. I remember my heart filling with pride. These moments were rare, and when they happened, they became fixed in my memory. So there you were, broad shouldered, full of your navy tattoos, Jackie Collins book in hand (yep, this was your book of choice), the real life version of Ray Winstone in Sexy Beast. You appeared when I needed you most, just when I'd been wondering whether you ever would again. I don't long for you all anymore, my heart doesn't break every day, and I don't cry often or easily anymore. But I will probably always think of you all every day forever. I wish I could meet you all for a beer and show you the woman I've become. But somehow, you know. I just know you know. You're the ones that made it happen after all: I have you in my blood, under my skin, in my genes forever. A friend said to me recently, 'Just think of those on the other side-there's going to be the biggest welcome party ever when your spirits reconnect. But, right now, you really must have loads left to do on this earth, otherwise you would have gone down in that helicopter with them.' I don't know about that, but I do know that we'll connect again and I continue to feel protected in life and death. Very few fears exist for me now. But, before we do connect again, I've got some big stuff to do, and for the first time since I lost you, I can tell you that it feels exciting. See you on the other side, eventually- but not yet. With love, your chip off the old block. 

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